The After the Affair Affair
by alynwa
Summary: Napoleon's usual after affair antics get him into trouble.  The boys belong to whomever they belong to and original characters are mine.
1. Chapter 1

The "After the Affair" Affair

Illya lay back on his bed reading a magazine in the hotel room he was sharing with Napoleon. The mission they had dubbed _**The Upstate Affair**_ had ended successfully. The geneticist THRUSH had kidnapped from his lab in Montreal, Canada had been found before he could be tortured into assisting them with their latest plan to create a race of THRUSH super soldiers to take over the world. Agents from the Canadian Security Intelligence Service had picked up the scientist and the lab the birds had built outside of Buffalo, NY had been destroyed in one of Illya's spectacular incendiary fireworks displays.

They were both too tired to attempt the eight – hour drive back to New York City but, they didn't wish to stay in Buffalo just in case some THRUSHies were still there and holding a grudge. They opted to drive to Springville, a small town of about 5000 people thirty – five miles south of Buffalo and rent a room for the night.

There was a small diner a few doors down from the Microtel hotel and they had headed there for dinner. The waitress, Jessica according to her nametag, had taken a liking to Napoleon from the moment they entered the place. Illya might as well have been invisible. She was Napoleon's type, too; slim, blonde, blue – eyed, about five feet seven inches tall and approximately twenty – six years old. Napoleon began flirting immediately. Illya had not been the least bit surprised when the two of them made plans to meet after she got off work at 9PM.

It was now after midnight and the Russian was just about to turn off the lamp when he heard the agreed upon signal being tapped out on the door followed a second later by the sound of Napoleon's key in the lock. Agreed upon signal or not, Illya had his hand on his Special under his pillow until he saw his partner's face.

"Hey," Napoleon said quietly as he stepped inside and locked the door, "I thought you would be asleep."

"I was reading one of my science magazines I've been carrying around. How was your date with the lovely Jessica? I really wasn't expecting you until after breakfast since we are not flying."

Napoleon pulled the knot of his tie apart and unbuttoned his shirt. "Ah, it was fine but, a little odd."

Illya perked up at that. "Odd? How so?"

Napoleon shrugged out of his holster and shirt. Placing his gun underneath one of his pillows, he sat down on his bed, toed off his shoes, pulled off his socks and pants and put his feet up on the bed. He scooted back so that he was leaning against his other pillow which was propped against the headboard. "Well, I thought I would take her for a bite to eat and a drink but, she wasn't too interested. She said there aren't a lot of things to do in Springville after ten o'clock."

Illya rolled his eyes and responded, "This _is _a small town, Napoleon. So, what did you end up doing?"

Napoleon waggled his eyebrows and answered, "Going back to her place and having great sex. Afterwards, we talked for awhile. She asked what part of New York I live in and I told her New York City. She said I struck her as a Manhattanite and when I said I am, she correctly guessed that I live on the East Side. She said I looked too sophisticated to live on the West Side. She said she's been to the City once and liked it. That's when the 'odd' part happened. She was disappointed that I wasn't spending the night but, okay. It was when she asked me what _we_ were going to do tomorrow that I looked at her and reminded her that I was heading back home to Manhattan. She got a little angry with me, at first. Then, she calmed herself down and wanted to do it again but, I don't know, it didn't feel right anymore. She was coming off as a little needy so I made my excuses. She and I did make plans for the three of us to have breakfast at nine in the morning before we leave."

Illya deadpanned, "I see. Your latest conquest strikes you as 'needy' so you want to have me spend time with her, too? Really, Napoleon? Thank you so _very _much."

Napoleon chuckled and reached over to turn off the lamp between their beds. "It does sound bad when you say it. She's not a bad person, though I can see maybe why she doesn't have a steady guy. Ah well, goodnight, Illya."

The Russian grunted and turned so that his back was to his partner. He didn't know why but, Napoleon's conversation had made him uneasy.

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

The next morning, Napoleon woke up just after seven and decided to get showered and dressed and head out for a newspaper and some coffee. Illya still slept and Napoleon wrote a note explaining his absence and then silently glided from the room. He walked down the four flights to the first floor and stepped into the lobby. The first thing he noticed was Jessica sitting in a chair that afforded her a view of both the elevator and the stairwell he had just exited. _What is she doing here?, _he thought even as he plastered a big smile on his face in response to the smile that grew on hers when she saw him.

"Napoleon, good morning!" she exclaimed as she arose and moved toward him. She wrapped her arms around him and lifted her head to kiss him. He obliged her but, when she tried to slip her tongue between his lips_, _he pulled away. That caused her to frown slightly but, then the smile was back. "Hey, how about we go up to your room and…build up an appetite? I was thinking about you all night," she whispered seductively.

"Is that why you're here now?" Napoleon's eyes narrowed as he watched her warily.

She shook her head so quickly, her ponytail whipped from side to side. "Of course not! See that guy behind the counter? That's my brother, Clay. He called me to bring him some money. Ask him if you don't believe me!"

Mortified, Napoleon began to say, "I don't think that's nec…"

Jessica stepped away from him and sniped, "I think it _is _necessary since it's obvious you don't believe me! Clay! Clay, could you come here, please?"

The front desk clerk had looked up when Jessica had called and now he came out from behind the counter and walked over to where they were standing. He stood approximately two inches taller than the agent and inserted himself between him and Jessica. He looked Napoleon up and down and then turned to the blonde. "Whaddya want, Sis? Is everything OK?" he asked.

"Clay, Napoleon here checked in last night and we met when he and his associate came into the diner to eat. Would you tell him why I'm here this morning?"

He looked at her and said, "Is that it?" When she nodded, he relaxed visibly. "Oh, sure. I called Jess because I must have forgotten to put more money in my wallet and I didn't realize it until I stopped to buy coffee. I didn't have enough for the day so, I asked her to bring me some cash."

Jessica picked up the thread, "So when I got here, I figured it didn't make sense for me to go back home and have you and your business partner drive all the way across town to pick me up when I'm already here." She patted her brother on his arm. "Thanks, Clay," she said as she watched him go back behind the counter and through the door to the office beyond. Turning back to Napoleon, she remarked quietly, "I suggested going upstairs because I thought you might like me being spontaneous but, if I had known you were going to freak out, I never would have mentioned it. In fact, I would have just gone back home and waited for you to come get me!"

"I'm sorry, Jessica. I do appreciate your suggestion but, it's just that, I was surprised to see you here," Napoleon said contritely, "It kind of threw me. Besides, my associate and I shared a room; our employer is very frugal; so, ah, a morning appetite builder is out of the question."

The blonde glanced over her shoulder to make sure her brother was still away from the front desk and then rubbed herself against Napoleon's body. "Your loss," she purred.

Napoleon's body started to respond against his wishes; it took several deep breaths and thinking of the ugliest woman he ever laid eyes on to get back under control. He looked at Jessica to see her looking expectantly at him. "Ah, I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Yes, silly, I asked you where you were heading before you saw me?"

"Oh. I was just going to pick up coffee and a paper. Would you like to take the walk with me?" he said.

Her reply was to put her arm through his and turn them toward the door. There was a Dunkin Donuts a block away but she told him about a "Mom and Pop" style coffee shop a block farther that sold newspapers and, according to her, "coffee that put that corporate crap to shame."

One thing that Napoleon had in common with his partner of three years is the way they take their coffee; black with no sugar. Bad coffee has nowhere to hide when there's no cream, milk or sugar to disguise the poor quality and enhance the flavor. He ordered three containers, handed one to Jessica and took a sip from the one in his hand. "I have to admit, Jessica, this is excellent coffee," he smiled in contentment. He picked up a copy of the Springville Journal, put Illya's coffee in a bag, paid for his purchase and then held the door open for Jessica to step through onto the sidewalk.

Normally, strolling down the street alongside a shapely, beautiful woman with eyes for only him would have had Napoleon feeling like the cock of the walk but, somehow this didn't feel right. As she chattered on about some nonsensical thing, he wondered, _I don't know what it is about her. _He thought, _her explanation for why she was in the lobby makes sense and making love in the morning is _always _a good idea, so what's my problem?_

They arrived back at the Microtel and Jessica said she would just keep her brother company until he and Illya came downstairs. She patted him on the butt when he turned to go to the elevator. She didn't see the frown that ran across his face at the liberty she had taken.

When he got to the room door, he gave the signal and entered. Illya was dressed and apparently had been tying his shoelaces when he heard the knock. He put his Walther back in its holster once he had confirmed it was his partner. "I was getting ready to go look for you. What took so long?"

Napoleon recounted his morning from the moment he stepped into the lobby from the stairwell to his walking back into the room. Illya listened quietly while he drank his coffee. When Napoleon finished speaking, Illya nodded and said, "I know exactly what your problem is. She's the aggressor and you don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot."

Illya watched as his partner jammed his hands into his pockets and paced from one side of the room to the other. "You might have a point there, Partner Mine. I _am_ used to setting the pace when it comes to dealing with the ladies and Jessica does seem to want to be in control. Maybe that's what has me on edge."

Illya stood and put on his suit jacket. He was dressed in his usual black suit with a white shirt and skinny black tie. "Really, Napoleon," he mused, "this is the 60s, after all. Women do seem to be demonstrating a desire to be seen as equals. You can't keep acting like you are in charge when you are with a woman. The way things are progressing with Women's Lib, I can assure you that April Dancer will not remain the only female Section Two agent. You need to bring your thinking into today's world, Napoleon!"

Napoleon pulled his hands out of his pockets and replied snidely, "Oh, really?"

Illya held the room door open and they stepped through on the way to the stairwell. "Yes, really, Napoleon," he replied. "I have to admit, at first, I was a little concerned when you told me about your date last night but, now I think I was just being…what are the women calling it? A male chauvinist hog?"

"Pig, Illya, male chauvinist pig. And, you're probably right. Let's go enjoy breakfast and even if Jessica is a little overbearing, we won't be seeing her after today so, we'll just make the best of it."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

Breakfast was actually rather pleasant. Jessica had suggested that they just go back to the diner because the food there was reasonably priced, the portions were large and the quality was excellent. Even Illya's legendary appetite was stilled and sated after consuming a three egg omelet, French toast made from challah bread and a rasher of bacon crisped to perfection. They were now each on their third cup of coffee and relaxing.

"Napoleon," Jessica said as she slid just a little closer to her booth companion, "are you sure you have to leave so soon? Illya, can't you get him to change his mind? I have a girlfriend who would absolutely _love_ you! I'm sure I could get her to blow off work this afternoon. We could go to a movie!"

Illya's stomach was so content; he was feeling downright friendly toward the blonde. He took in his partner's widened eyes and grinned. He replied, "Jessica, I am the one being the voice of reason. Napoleon had mentioned the possibility of staying longer but, we have a meeting with our boss later on today and I insist that we leave. In fact, as much as I hate to eat and run, we really need to get on the road. So, if you must be annoyed with someone, let it be me as I am the one who is driving and therefore, calling the shots." He figured the little lie would make the young lady feel like she wasn't just a one – night stand even though the furious look that swept across her face and then disappeared just as quickly cooled the friendliness he had been feeling and made him glad they were leaving.

Napoleon smiled and said, "I am glad to have met you, Jess, and I'm sorry I can't stay longer but, duty calls, I'm afraid." He signaled the waitress to bring the check but, when she did, Jessica pulled it away from him.

"This is my treat, guys," she said as she signed the check. "No arguments. I'm allowed an employee discount and since I've never used it in the four years I've been working here, I think I'm entitled to three free breakfasts." She held up her hand to stop Napoleon's protest. "Oh, and by the way," she added as she reached into her purse and pulled out a sheet of paper, "I had asked a friend of mine who's a trucker to write out the directions to New York City for you just in case you weren't sure." She handed the paper to Illya who read them and smiled.

Illya said, "Yes, your friend confirms what I thought: Driving through Pennsylvania will be faster than driving through New York State. Thank you, Jessica."

Napoleon said, "Let me add my thanks as well but, I can't let you pay for breakfast."

"I'm _not_ paying for it, don't worry about it. You can leave the tip if you want."

"Give up gracefully, Napoleon," Illya said as he drained the last of his coffee.

Napoleon shrugged, pulled out his wallet and left a sizeable tip. He stood up and held out his hand to help Jessica up from the seat. Illya stood as well and led them from the restaurant.

Jessica took Napoleon's hand in hers and said, "I'll walk with you back to the hotel and see you off."

Napoleon asked her, "Are you sure we can't drive you home? It's no bother, is it, Illya?"

The blond shook his head, "No, it's not a problem."

Jessica laughed, "Thanks but, no thanks, fellas. I told Clay that having me get up earlier than I had planned was going to cost him so, he's taking me grocery shopping on his lunch hour, and I have some errands I can run around here until his break."

The three of them walked back to the hotel. She waited in the lobby while they went back to the room to collect their suitcases. After they checked out, she walked them to their car that was parked in the hotel's parking lot.

Illya said, "Goodbye, Jessica. Take care of yourself," and got into the driver's seat and started the car. Napoleon placed both bags in the trunk. He slammed it shut and turned around to face the young woman. He held his arms out and she walked into them for a hug.

He kissed her gently on the forehead and whispered, "Goodbye, Jessica. It was so good to meet you."

She squeezed him around the waist and then stepped away. Looking up into his eyes, she said, "I hope to see you again real soon, Napoleon." When he sighed and looked pained, Jessica said, "Relax, Mr. Solo, I know what you said; you can't fault a girl for wishful thinking, can you?" She grasped one of his hands and brought it to her lips. "Take care."

She watched Illya back out of the parking space and head to Genesee Road. When they were out of sight, she went back inside the hotel to a phone booth and dialed a number. When it was answered, she said, "They just pulled out. A black 1964 Lincoln Continental. New York plates KET – 482. Make sure they don't see you. Fine. Call me."

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

The drive back to New York City was relaxing. It was a beautiful, sunny, cloudless day and there was southeast bound traffic but, not enough to make it stop and go. Illya was pleased with the way the rental was handling and had found a radio station with a strong signal that was playing a very calming form of jazz, lots of smooth saxophone solos and guitar riffs. Napoleon fell asleep with his head leaning against the window twenty minutes into the trip so he had been spared his partner's bad puns and jokes. He was able to mentally work on a snag in one of his experiments. He was looking forward to getting back to his lab because he thought he had figured out how to resolve the problem.

He was a little startled to see the sign indicating they were almost in Wilkes – Barre, PA. _Хорошо горя__! (Good Grief!), _he thought, _I cannot believe we're this far already! _He checked his watch. _We're making such good time I think a short break is in order._

"Napoleon, wake up!"

His partner's eyes cracked open and took in his situation. Satisfied there was no danger, the American rubbed his faced, yawned and stretched with a great groaning noise. "Ohhh, that feels good. Where are we?"

"Just outside of Wilkes – Barre," Illya replied, "I woke you because I want to stop to get something to eat and thought you might be hungry, too."

"I could use a snack but, a bathroom would be even more welcome." Napoleon pointed at a sign they were just about to pass. "There's a HoJo's in five miles, let's stop there."

Illya looked confused. "I thought it said 'Howard Johnson's.'"

Napoleon laughed, "It _did _say'Howard Johnson's'; HoJo's is just a nickname."

_Amerikanski, _Illya thought glumly. _I do not care what it's called as long as I can get something to eat. _Aloud, he retorted, "Fine, we'll eat there."

When the Russian turned off the exit, three other cars did, also. One car contained a harried set of parents with three bored, whiny children under the age of eight, one contained a young couple driving home to Allentown after a romantic midweek getaway and one contained two rather large trucker types from Springville, New York. All four cars found parking spaces within two minutes of each other and they walked into the building at roughly the same time.

The two agents were nearly bowled over by the unruly children racing passed to be the first at the sandwich vending machines. Illya stepped back so the apologetic mother could run after her brood while the clueless dad went to the men's room. Napoleon, after telling Illya what to order for him, indicated by a tilt of the head that he was heading to the men's room while Illya got on line behind the young couple to buy burgers and fries. He was mildly entertained by the fact that they couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other's behinds.

The two truckers had split up once they entered the building; one, a hulking black – haired brute of a man called Jenks, had gone to the bathroom and entered a stall he knew from previous visits enabled him to see who entered the restroom even with the door closed, which was why he never used it but now, he put down the lid and sat and waited. The other man, equally as tall but with a leaner body and answering to the name of Hank, had gone to the rear of the building out of sight of the main restaurant area to make sure the door at the end of the hall was still unlocked. He walked through, checked that the exit from the building and the door leading into the bathroom were unlocked then, pulled the blackjack out of his back pocket and waited.

Napoleon walked into the bathroom just as the dad was walking out. They nodded to each other in passing and he stepped to the urinal to relieve himself. The last thing he remembered was zipping up and turning around.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

Illya had finished his lunch and was picking at his partner's fries when he glanced at his watch. _I don't care what he had to do in there, he should have come out by now. _He left the food on the table and went to the men's room. "Napoleon?" he called. Walking into the room and not seeing his partner, he checked each stall. He noticed another door marked "Employees Only" and stepped through it into a hallway that led to the janitor's closet and the main restaurant and had a door leading outside to the dumpsters and employees' parking.

He stepped outside and drew his Walther as he approached the dumpsters. Thankfully, his partner was not in any of them. He reached for his communicator. "Open Channel S. Napoleon? Napoleon, answer me!" When no answer was forthcoming, the knot in the pit of his stomach turned ice – cold. Taking deep breaths to stave off rising nausea, he said, "Open Channel D, Priority One."

The clipped British tones of his superior came through the communicator, "Waverly here, go ahead, Mr. Kuryakin."

"Mr. Waverly, Napoleon is missing."

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

As soon as Hank had knocked the man unconscious, Jenks came out the stall and pulled him through the door into the back hallway while Hank went to get the car. Turning the car so that it blocked the view from the main parking lot, he popped open the trunk and Jenks picked up the lighter man like he was a ragdoll and threw him inside. He used the rope he had in there to hogtie him securely and placed a piece of duct tape over his mouth.

He closed the trunk and got into the front passenger seat. "Pull back around front; I have to make a call."

While Illya was searching the bathroom and the dumpsters, Jenks was in the phone bank dialing a number that was answered after three rings. "Hi, it's me. Good news: We didn't have to go all the way to New York City. Nope, Wilkes – Barre. The blond guy never saw us. Yeah, lucky for _him._ We should be there in about five hours, give or take." He hung up the phone, went outside and got back in the car. "Let's go."

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

Napoleon came to and slowly became aware of his surroundings. He shook his head to clear it and regretted it immediately. It was hot and stuffy and he could feel movement. _Great, I'm in a car trunk! I guess THRUSH didn't appreciate Illya and me ruining their plans with the geneticist. I hope Illya's not captured. _He tried kicking his way out by breaking the trunk lock and failing that, kicking through the back seat. That got the attention of his captors. He felt the car pull over and heard a car door slam. Suddenly, the trunk opened and a hand holding a wet cloth covered his nose. Even as he lost consciousness again, his mind recognized he was being chloroformed. _They don't want me too damaged _was his last conscious thought.

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

_He was in a beautiful, king – sized bed with a canopy and he wasn't alone. There was a gorgeous blonde whose hands were trailing over his body in the most delicious ways and she was murmuring sweet words of love in his ear. I can almost feel her, _he thought. As he got closer and closer to waking up, he realized he _was_ feeling a body against him and someone _was_ whispering in his ear. He opened his eyes with a start.

"Jessica! What the…what the hell is going on?" He looked around; he recognized the room as her bedroom. His arms were tied by the wrists to her brass headboard and shackles were around his ankles that seemed to be attached to the bed legs so that he was spread-eagled. He was naked and his clothes were neatly hung on a hanger on the door leading to her bathroom.

Jessica was stretched out alongside him though she was clothed. "I told you I hoped to see you again soon; I just decided that I would make that happen sooner rather than later. You like playing hard to get but, I saw through you. I knew we were destined to be together the moment I laid eyes on you. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. Any doubts I had were erased when I saw you the next morning and you smiled at me. My brother Clay _did _call me that morning to bring him some cash but, that's because I had removed it from his wallet before he left for work. I wanted to be there when you came downstairs. When your friend said he was making you leave, I _really_ knew I was right about us so I called my friends and told them to bring you back here to me. I had told them the night before that I might need them to follow you. I'm sorry if they hurt you; I told them you had stolen something valuable from me but, I didn't want to involve the police. I didn't tell them it was my heart you stole."

Napoleon's mind was racing. _She's insane, what can I tell her that will get me out of here? _"Jessica, you're right. I didn't want to leave but, you heard my partner; he was insisting we go. Where is he, anyway? Did your friends bring him back, too?"

Jessica laughed and sat up. "No, Silly," she said, "Illya never saw my friends! They waited until you were alone and grabbed you. I didn't want Illya hurt; I just wanted to get you back. And, here you are."

_Illya's unhurt! Thank God, _he thought. He smiled at the young woman and said, "If I had known you felt as strongly as I did, I would have argued to stay longer. I wanted to stay here with you. I want to stay with you now. Let me show you how much." He turned up the Solo charm to heights it had never reached before.

Jessica was elated. "Of course, my darling!" She began to kiss him from his forehead to his chest and beyond.

"Jessica, wait. Two things I need to happen first: I haven't eaten since breakfast and I need to eat something and I _really, _really need to go to the bathroom. Untie me, please; I swear I won't try to leave. I want to stay. I really want to stay with you."

Jessica got off the bed and reached into a jewelry box on her dresser and withdrew a key. "I'll let you up so you can use the bathroom while I fix you something to eat. By the way, that gun you were carrying? I told my friends they could keep it since they helped me out with you. I'll get you another one. I promise. I hope you don't mind."

_Well, that answered one question I had. I hope everything else is still in my pockets. _"I carry a gun for personal protection so I'll probably want another one sometime in the future but, a gun is a gun is a gun so it doesn't matter." _I don't think those guys will be able to figure out how to switch to sleep darts. I'm just hoping they hold on to it long enough for me to get it back._

"Well, you don't need protection from me but, we'll see." She unlocked one of his legs and began to untie his wrists. _If my communicator is there, I'll turn on the homing signal and sit tight. If not, things are going to get violent._ She rubbed his arms and asked, "Does that feel better, My Love?"

Napoleon stood up, shakily at first but, he stood. "That feels much better, thank you." He hugged her quickly around the shoulders. "Where's my dinner? I'm starving!"

Now it was her turn to smile. "I'll make you a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. I'll be right back!" she said as she dashed down the stairs. She was so happy that he wanted to stay with her. _He really does want to stay with me! This is turning out to be a great day!_

Napoleon listened to her go downstairs and then reached into his jacket's inside pocket and thankfully, pulled out his communicator. Working quickly, he put it together and whispered, "Open Channel S, Kuryakin."

The relief in the Russian's voice was almost palpable. "Napoleon, where…"

"I don't have a lot of time, so listen: I've been kidnapped. I'm back in Springville with Jessica. She's over the edge. I'm turning on my homing signal. Please hurry, Illya. Believe it or not, she's still an Innocent. Solo out." He placed the communicator back in his jacket pocket with the signal on and went into the bathroom.

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

Illya had searched the grounds around the Howard Johnson's for an hour without finding a single clue to what happened to his partner. Mr. Waverly had dispatched fifteen Section Two and Three agents to Wilkes – Barre to assist him. Illya was stalled in his search and trying to decide whether to retrace their steps, push ahead to New York City or continue searching Wilkes – Barre when Napoleon contacted him.

He contacted Mr. Waverly to update him. They decided the best course of action was to send the other agents back to HQ along with the rental car while Illya met the UNCLE chopper and flew back to Springville to save Napoleon.

Fortunately, Napoleon's homing signal was close to a field suitable for a landing site. Illya had come alone because Napoleon had claimed Jessica was not involved with THRUSH or any other group but, he was prepared to kill if need be, to rescue his partner.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter IV

As much as Napoleon hated to admit it, he really was hungry and the food, though plain, was good. She had made three sandwiches; two for him and one for her and two large mugs of tomato soup. They were eating on snack tables while they sat on the bed.

"So, Jessica, may I ask you a couple of questions? I mean, since we're together now, I want to know more about you."

She wiped her mouth and placed her crumpled up napkin next to her plate. "I guess," she replied, "What do you want to know, Sweetheart?"

He shifted his weight on the bed to look at her. "You're a very pretty girl, Jessica. Really. How is it that I got to be so lucky? I'm surprised that no one has put a ring on your finger. Or, is there some broken – hearted man around here that I'll have to fight later?"

The smile she gave him was brittle and fake – looking. "Well, there was one guy. In fact, there was _only _one guy. His name was Robert. Everybody called him Bobby except me; I called him Rob after the character Rob Petrie on the Dick van Dyke show. You know who I mean?" When he nodded, she continued, "We met in junior high school and liked each other from the start. We dated all the way through high school. We were going to get married; everyone knew it. Then, Rob got drafted into the Army. He wanted to get married before he went to Vietnam but, I said no. I wanted a big wedding with all our friends and family; he wanted to elope. He loved me and always tried to give me what I wanted and, I wanted that wedding. So, he agreed to wait until he came home. Only when he came home, it was in a coffin. We were nineteen"

Napoleon was truly touched and pulled the young woman into his arms. "I am so, so sorry for your loss, Jessica." He rubbed her back then leaned her away from him. "It must have been a terrible time for you."

She wiped her eyes and stood up. "Yes, it was. After awhile, other guys asked me out but, I turned them all down. I couldn't get past the feeling that I was cheating on Rob. As time passed, they stopped asking. I don't think I even really noticed. When I saw you the other day, there was just something about you. You even look a little like how I imagine Rob might look if he, if he were still alive. When you asked me out, I was hoping that you were my second chance for happiness. But then, you just seemed not to put as much importance on having sex with me as I did. I guess I made myself believe that if I got you back here, you would fall for me. But, I know you're just saying whatever you think I want to hear." She got up and handed Napoleon his clothing. She reached down and unshackled his other leg. "Get dressed, Napoleon," she said sadly, "I'll be downstairs and I'll take you wherever you want."

She was sitting at her kitchen table when Illya walked through her back door weapon drawn. "Jessica, I believe you have something that belongs to me," he said calmly.

"He certainly never belonged to _me_. He's fine, he's upstairs getting dressed. Napoleon! Illya's here." She never got up; she just sat there drinking cold coffee.

Illya heard footfalls coming down the stairs and kept his weapon trained on them until his partner came into sight. "How are you, my friend?"

"Getting better, Illya, much better. Sit down, we three need to talk."

Jessica looked from one man to the other. "How much trouble am I in, exactly?"

"If I were inclined to press charges, Jessica, you would be in a lot of trouble. Kidnapping, false imprisonment, and assault to name a few but, I don't think putting you in jail would benefit either one of us. Excuse me one moment, I'll be right back." He left Illya and Jessica in the kitchen while he went into the backyard and used his communicator to call UNCLE's Buffalo field office. He came back in and said, "This is what we're going to do. A coworker of mine should be here in about forty-five minutes. Can you call whoever you gave my gun to and get them over here with it?"

"I, I think so."

"Good, do it. Don't worry about anything, Jessica."

Hank and Jenks accepted Jessica's invitation for drinks and brought the gun because she said she hadn't really gotten a chance to take a look at it. Two karate chops later, they were perched on the living room couch unconscious. Fifteen minutes later, Dr. Elliot of UNCLE Buffalo arrived and injected all three Innocents with a brainwashing drug and then replaced all their memories of Napoleon and Illya with pleasant memories of their hanging out together. Per Napoleon's suggestion, he also implanted in Hank and Jessica the idea that they were attracted to each other. They would wake up in a couple of hours thinking they had all dozed off while watching a movie.

They thanked Dr. Elliot for his help after he dropped them back at the chopper and continued on to Buffalo.

MFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFUMFU

Agents Solo and Kuryakin had just briefed Mr. Waverly about **The Upstate Affair** and what they referred to as **The "After the Affair" Affair. **

Mr. Waverly had listened intently without interruption all the while puffing on his pipe. When his agents had finished reporting, he said, "Mr. Solo, I would like to know why you decided to have those people's memories erased instead of having them arrested and charged with the crimes they committed against you."

Napoleon sighed, "Sir, I ah can't help but feel a little responsible for what happened. Something in the back of my mind kept trying to tell me there was a problem but, I refused to read the signs or trust my feelings. I chalked up my unease to being uncomfortable with a woman taking the lead sexually. The fact that the young lady also had emotional problems that were exacerbated by my actions made me feel even guiltier. The two men who kidnapped me would not have done it if not for her so, I felt that giving all three a 'do – over' was the best way to go. In future, I have to be more ah, discriminating about the women I ah…_relax _with after an affair."

UNCLE New York's Number One harrumphed, "Well, it _sounds _like you've learned a lesson but, only time will tell. Mr. Kuryakin, one can only hope you do not have to be called upon again to rescue your partner from his romantic entanglements. Dismissed, Gentlemen."

As they walked toward their office, Illya looked at his partner and shook his head. "You owe me so much for this; I do not even know where to start. Oh, yes I do. Dinner at a place of my choosing and then I'll figure out what I want from there."

Exasperated, Napoleon looked at Illya and exclaimed, "And, just how long do you intend to milk this?"

"For as long as I can, Partner, for as long as I can."


End file.
